Minecraft: My Story My Series of Terrible Ideas
by GoombaGeek
Summary: A re-write and improvement of a laughably bad Minecraft fic. Much better than the original.
1. Prologue

Okay, this story sucks. I've set out to improve it. Hooray! But you should read the original first, just to appreciate this version better. ("Minecraft: My Story. My Life." on Lulu. If it's deleted, I have the pdf saved, so contact me if you want it.)

Prologue: It's Bloody Cold In Reye's Shitty House

REYE'S SHITTY HOUSE

The morning was bloody cold, like every other morning in the tundra. Building your home in the tundra when much more reasonable climes were available nearby seemed like a bad idea, but to Reye, it was his only idea and he was determined to stick to it. Wiping the drool from his mouth, Reye sat up in bed and hit his face on the furnace he was using for warmth. Reye fired up his brain cells and tried to remember the events of last night...

"... stuff... blocks... a rock... ow... _fuck..._"

Riiight! He had been surrounded by creepers, when days of not sleeping and the bitter cold had taken its toll on him and he had fallen asleep. Suddenly, a gust of wind blew open his badly crafted door...

The screaming gust threw Reye across the room. He knew that his tiny cobblestone hovel was safe. But a shape appeared at the door...

"Fuck, a creeper. I think I read a story about them once but I forgot."

Like most Minecraft players, Reye was excellent at running three meters in the 1.5 seconds it took a creeper to detonate. But in his small house, he had no chance. He ran for the ladder...

AUTHOR'S NOTE: And so it begins. Can't think of anything else to write here, really. This fic began life on the MinecraftForums, and its true parents are James Wodicker (ultradude100 on YouTube. give him a shout!) and XxCyber_MasterxX, who started a deconstruction of this story, which started me on this, resulting in you reading this sentence. Thank you!


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: The Other People Start Staring At You Uncomfortably And You Are Worried About This**

RICK'S ADVENTURE BASE

The last thing Reye remembered was an explosion. Fortunately, his iron armour had... well, actually, it had made him weigh about fifty pounds more, which would explain why his ribs were probably broken from the landing.

"Who're you? I'm an Adventure - no, wait, never mind. Name's Rick. Wanna go on a - what the hell am I saying?"

"I'm... uugghhhh... pain..."

"Hurting? Probably because you were stupid enough to wear full-plate metal armour right next to an explosion. That's why you run away from creepers instead of hugging them."

"It came into my house! Shut up!"

"Anyway, this is my bro Aaron. He'll never be mentioned again after this section."

Reye noticed Rick's armour. It was like a metal fabric.

"Wait, you can weave metal into clothes? Fuck, I wouldn't want to see the sewing machine that can do that."

"No, it's chain-mail. That's the thing you wear if you don't want a giant-ass chestplate crushing your organs every time you fall."

Reye mumbled, and passed out again.

"His base was right over there and he didn't notice us? Aaron, let him borrow your glasses once he wakes up. I'll go steal his crap."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This resolves the non-cliffhanger from the prologue. We're already at one shout-out, for those of you keeping track at home. Oh, and read the original **first**! There are some jokes (and one typo) you'll never understand if you haven't read the original one. Google that stuff in the prologue, remember?


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Stealing Reye's Old Crap From His House In a Way That Could Be Considered Proactive But Probably Not

THE TUNDRA AROUND REYE'S SHITTY HOUSE

Rick walked into the tundra.

"Damn, it's bloody cold. What idiot would build a house here?"

In the distance, he spotted Reye's still-smouldering hovel. It might have been square once, but now it was just a couple of walls and a tipped-over furnace.

"Where would he keep his crap... oh, it had a battle roof! There should be a chest full of crap up there."

Rick climbed the burnt ladder to the roof. It crackled a bit, but still held his weight. On the roof was a giant hole in the floor from the explosion, a chest, and a bow. Rick picked up everything from the chest, not struggling under the weight because Minecraft inventories are magic.

RICK'S ADVENTURE BASE

Eventually, he walked back, and threw all of Reye's crap on the floor.

"I found it. You can thank me later."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The chapters start getting much longer soon, so watch out. This one is basically Rick's Tangential Adventure. In the original (which you should have read by now), there's some bullshit about "Oh look you have steel armour, all I had was steel armour! Lucky you." and similar idiocy. In this one, I've airlifted the stupidity out of the first chapters, varnished it with sarcasm, and stuck in in the later ones. Sorry.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Everyone Dies In An Explosion And The Creepers Are Surprisingly Fast At Home Invasions Which Is A Bummer**

RICK'S ADVENTURE BASE

Rick, Aaron and Reye sat up around the Breakfast Furnace of War (previously the Breakfast Furnace before its promotion). They had stayed up all night plotting on how to carve their way through the legions of hostile mobs that had appeared that night.

"They're all going towards your old base. They don't even care about us, those selfish bastards. When I was younger, at least the creepers came by for a visit now and then, just often enough so you knew they remembered you."

"They know what our plans are! It's the Endermen!"

"What's an Enderman? It sounds stupid."

"Oh, right. This story was written before the Adventure Update. That's a bummer, because Rick sure could use an adventure."

The plan was to dig a tunnel to the cobblestone hovel under the cover of daylight, where they could kill the few mobs that had breached the perimeter and repair the walls.

A TUNNEL LEADING TO REYE'S SHITTY HOUSE

The tunnel was almost complete, but...

"I hear hissing from above!"

"Natural gas pockets."  
>"There's a snake in your boot."<p>

"Do you guys remember that CREEPERS FUCKING HISS WHEN THEY'RE ANGRY?"

"No, sometimes we need to act retarded to advance the plot. Right now, my laser-guided idiocy is pointing towards some kind of mob invasion of my house..."  
>"That's stupid! Let's dig upwards really fast after blocking off the exits!"<p>

"YOU GUYYYYS"

Aaron's pickaxe hit a shrub, which promptly fell into the hole.

Except it was a creeper, not a shrub. Surprise!

Reye was knocked out by an explosion for the second time that week.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: In the original, Reye goes through an INCREDIBLE amount of punishment without even blinking. He gets a giant stomach gash, he's exploded multiple times, etc. but HE ONLY PASSES OUT WHEN THE PLOT REQUIRES TIME TO GO BY. In this one, his body is fragile but his mind is not. So he's a determinator, but he's too stupid to be considered badass. Oh, and if you want a fun drinking game, take a shot every time he passes out. If you want a REALLY fun drinking game, take a shot every time something stupid happens.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Reye Wakes Up In His Base And The Zombies Are Retarded And They're Just Sleeping

A HOLE UNDER REYE'S SHITTY HOUSE

Reye coughed. Blood came out.

"Shit."

Reye threw up. Unfortunately, he was bleeding internally and had eaten a large breakfast.

"Oh fuck that's the most disgusting thing-"

Reye passed out again, his head making a perfect arc into the pile of vomit.

When he came to for the second time, he noticed Rick and Aaron.

Or, at least he noticed their exploded corpses.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH-"

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I think this is the last short chapter. Sorry. Anyway, it turns out that respawning made it through the fourth wall… who knew? In the original, a zombie knocked them out, and then they died for some reason. Maybe they didn't have porkchops? Reye got to do a nice guilt trip over "THEY GAVE ME THEIR ARMOUR THEY COULD HAVE SURVIVED" but in this one, boring interaction is kept to a minimum.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: The Creepers Stare At Reye A Lot Which Worries Him Because They Stole His House Like Assholes

THE GLORIOUS CREEPER UNION

Reye passed out for the third time. This time, he woke up in his fortress with a creeper in front of him. One of his diamonds was glowing a bit, and the creeper seemed unable to walk towards him or explode.

"Wait, diamonds are a creeper force-field? This would have come in fucking handy when the creeper fell into the hole and blew up! I even had all my diamonds! It's like the writer doesn't even care!"

Reye remembered that his battle comrades had probably re-spawned in bed. He hoped they were going to help him.

RICK'S ADVENTURE BASE

"Aaron... do we have any ham left?"

"Yeah."

"Wanna have ham n' eggs?"

"Sure."

"Wow, being exploded hurt."

"Sure did."

"Good thing we store all our stuff here in the base."

"Should be go help Reye?"

"Fuck that guy. He can help himself. I got his stuff, I'm not risking my ass to go save him again."

THE GLORIOUS CREEPER UNION

"Greetings, dignified emissary from another race. We have brought you to our new glorious republic, the glorious Creeper Union. It's kinda shitty but then our last city is gone which is depressing."

Reye sat up. His face was covered in vomit and blood. He didn't feel very dignified. Then, realization dawned on him.

"Wait, you're calling my house shitty? I worked hard on this house! It's not shitty at all!"

"Yes it is. It's only got like three rooms. You wouldn't believe the renovations we'll have to go through to even fit half the deposed population of Creeptopolis, where you could anything..."

"You could anything in Creeptopolis? Why the fuck did you leave and steal my base, then?"

"Because it got busted down by some assholes who said they were on an adventure. Man, they were pricks. No sympathy at all for those guys."

Reye felt vaguely uncomfortable. A socialist creeper was insulting his extremely nice house.

A zombie wandered by.

"Oh, hello, zombie. This guy has one of those crystals that makes us less explodey."

"Uhhhhhh... crystal... zombie no explode... are creeper stupid?"

THE CREEPTOPOLIS TRAIL

The creepers had told Reye to walk in a direction. He didn't know where he was going. And his insides hurt from all the shit he had gone through recently, but they still made him walk.

"All my organs hurt."

"We will treat them on our return."

"With what? I know what was in my house! There's nothing to treat wounds, just a fuckton of bacon and rocks!"

"Our return to Creeptopolis to meet our elders, not your shitty house."

"You said it was destroyed!"

"That was just to make the plot sound more epic than it is."

"So, you guys just kinda decided to live in my house so you could bum around and insult my expert building style, since the rest of you are still living in your own actual city?"

"Um, nooo... we had plenty of good reasons..."

"Like what?"

"Um... because... um..."

"Fuck you guys."

"Behold Creeptopolis!"

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The original ripped off Diary of a Creeper and couldn't make up its mind on whether Creeptopolis was destroyed or not. In this one, their stance is clear: Creepers are home-invading assholes.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: The Creepers Walk Around And Rip Off Diary Of A Creeper By Staring At Creeptopolis A Lot And Reye Gets In A Most Improbable Fight

CREEPTOPOLIS

In front of Reye was a floating city. Above him were tall buildings, full of strange redstone devices and mysterious bits of furniture. On all sides were tastefully-built houses. And creepers... there were creepers everywhere. Creepers behind windows, creepers inside doors, a couple creepers selling strange things out on the creeper-filled streets...

"You want ALL THESE FUCKING CREEPERS to live in MY HOUSE?"

"No, just the military. And we'd dig more of your house, of course."

"You can't extend my house because it's MY HOUSE!"

An explosion is heard in the distance, over a background noise of furious sawing.

"Ah, that would be our special brand of TNT. You were saying?"

Reye gave up, devoting his mental effort to the biggest mystery of all: how creepers built the entire city with no arms.

They came across a skeleton, who immediately pointed his bow at Reye upon noticing them.

"You bastard! You guys can't just walk around here after destroying it!"

"It doesn't look too destroyed to me. Are you the one who opens doors for the creepers because you have arms?"

"Don't worry, Skelly. He's with us and he's pretty okay, except he has a shitty house that we live in now."

"My house isn't shitty!"

They came to a solid gold building. Reye's skeptical brainwaves rattled around a bit and gave up. There was no way this much gold could ever be mined normally, except magic. Or something. Maybe they got slimes to deliver all the gold, ever...

"Inside are my fellow creeper elders. They will stare at you and complain about humans. Your best bet is to do some unskilled labour for them to impress them."

They stepped inside. Six creepers stared down at Reye, each one a different colour of autumn. Creepers died when all their leaves fell off, and Reye knew that these ones didn't have much time left.

"Youuuu! You are a human!" said the Reddish Elder.

"Huuumans are baaad!" rustled the Yellowy-Brown Elder.

"Huuuumans destroyed our cityyyy!" crackled the Red Elder.

"Youuu must pay in blooooood!" snapped the Orangey-Yellow Elder.

"snap" went the Brown Elder. Its body, now devoid of leaves, toppled to the ground.

"Noooooooo!" cried the Elders. "You killed him! You're bad luck and ugly and your house is shitty!"

"My house isn't shitty!" yelled Reye. "Besides, re-planting him shouldn't be too hard."

"Wait, you can do that? And to think we were going to make you carve us some chairs..." said the Off-Purple Elder. "If you can revive him, we will stop laughing at your shitty house!"

"My house _isn't __shitty!_"

Reye grabbed the twisted, branchy corpse of the Brown Elder. He took it outside, and stuck it into the ground. Almost immediately, a vine snaked out of the roots.

"There, he's growing into... something. Anyway, he's alive."

"Okay! We'll get you a bed or something and you can sleep here."

RICK'S ADVENTURE BASE

"Hey, there's a floating city right there!" said Rick.

"Holy shit, I never noticed that before!" said Aaron.

Rick and Aaron loaded up their adventure gear and walked over to the city.

CREEPTOPOLIS

"Sound the alarm! It's those assholes who destroyed our city!"

A squadron of creepers located in the city's highest tower started shaking awkwardly, making a soft rustling noise.

"The alarm isn't loud enough! Sound the Ultra Alarm!"

"But it could destroy the city!"

"Just do it!"

The creepers kicked a small pile of pebbles into the street below, which they hit with a clattering noise.

"EVEN THE ULTRA ALARM ISN'T LOUD ENOUGH! SOUND THE MEGA SUPER-DUPER ULTIMATE HIGH-VOLTAGE MASTER ALARM 5000!"

The creepers all stepped on different buttons.

The tower popped open, revealing an enormous set of loudspeakers. A microphone dropped in front of the creepers, who started rustling again.

The entire city shook with the heavily amplified rustling.

"Rick, you dumb shit! You destroyed their city!"

"They explode at us, of course their city needs destroying!"

"They don't explode if you have diamonds!"

"How come they exploded in the hole when you were carrying all your diamonds, then?"

Reye stared at the ground for a bit.

"I WILL FIGHT YOU TO THE DEATH FOR NO ADEQUATELY EXPLAINED REASON, INSTEAD OF WORKING THINGS OUT REASONABLY!" screamed Rick.

Reye put on his extra-heavy iron plate armour. "THEN I'LL KILL YOU BECAUSE FUCK YOU!"

Rick charged first, waving his sword repeatedly. Reye responded with an action-packed sword-waving defense. The air filled with clanging and grunting.

Reye received a massive cut along his chest. His heart fell out, along with other less popular organs. Fortunately, Minecraft players start out with 10 hearts, so he kept going without even slowing down.

Rick's arm was cut off. He kept swinging wildly with his sword.

Reye was almost stabbed, but managed to levitate out of the way.

"You can't fucking levitate in 50-pound armour!" screamed Rick.

"Talk to the hand! Oh wait, you can't because IT'S LEVITATING!"

Reye dropped his sword. Fortunately, it chopped right through Rick's face, neck and torso before hitting the ground.

"Wow. I didn't know the blunt side could do that."

The laws of physics finally noticed Reye, who fell to the ground and broke both of his legs again.

"FUCK WHY DO I KEEP BREAKING LIKE THIS-"

Reye passed out, was caught by a creeper, and was given medical care. (This involved creepers stuffing ham into his chest to replace his organs and then lying.)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Oh, I love this fight scene. In the original, he does a BACKFLIP (with a giant gash on his chest, no less) in SOLID IRON ARMOUR. In this one, because a backflip wasn't already ridiculous, he just levitates. Oh, and the amount of pain tolerance they show was also in the original – giant bleeding wound? It doesn't even hurt! Oh, and Rick is the only sane man in the original. Unfortunately, the plot warps around Reye, so he had no chance.


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Creepers Are Saying Goodbye And Reye Has Sex Or Some Bullshit Like That, You Know What, This Book Is Fucking Retarded

CREEPTOPOLIS

Reye had received a grand feast from the creepers.

"Hey, I realized something..." said Reye.

"What?"

"How come none of you guys exploded at Rick? I mean, you're always involuntarily rushing at people and then exploding, but when that would actually be helpful you just bum around like assholes."

"Um..."

"Anyway, this is delicious. But I'd rather run off for no adequately explained reason than stay here are be treated as a hero in a futuristic and well-defended city."

"Goodbye...?"

Reye left the table and started running. Ah, this was the life: making bad decisions while his bodily fluids desperately tried to get to where they were supposed to be. His bowels felt disconnected but he didn't even care, as long as he was running to places he should have noticed years ago.

THE FOREST OF INSIGNIFICANCE

Reye built a cobblestone hovel. "This will be much better than my last cobblestone hovel." though Reye. "And my house isn't shitty!"

At 1 a.m., he heard a rustling. Reye was afraid, since every hostile mob was now allied with him. He went out, sword in hand. Fortunately, it was just a wolf.

Reye patted the wolf on the head. It sunk its teeth into his arm.

"OW YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT" screamed Reye, flinging the determined wolf out of his arm and into the woods. "TAKE THAT YOU FUCKER" he yelled, as he beat it with a bone he was carrying.

The wolf ate the bone, and suddenly hearts appeared over it. Reye tried to grab one to replace the slice of ham in his chest, but it disappeared. The wolf stared at him in an adorable way.

"I will name you Asshole because you bit my arm, you asshole."

Asshole spent the night trying to claw the ham out of Reye's chest, but it was a futile effort.

When Reye woke up, he went off in some random direction. He knew the direction didn't matter, because the plot would make sure that he found something.

THE UNKNOWN BODY OF WATER OF THE FOREST OF INSIGNIFICANCE

Reye had walked for about three minutes when he came upon a scantily-clad woman in the forest. "Hello" said the scantily-clad woman. "My name is Aura. My parents would have named me Emanation instead of Aura, but they forgot because they were killed horribly." said Aura.

"Oh, no! Let's have se- that's terrible. So, can you take off all your- tell me about your past?"

"Two giant muscley men came by a few days ago, and saw me bathing naked in the river."

"Oh my god! What did they do to you?"

"They ran at me with a sword! I escaped by the skin of my teeth. I'm still wounded! Look, my breasts have a small cut on them."

Reye had been staring at her breasts since the conversation started, and pretended to only notice the tiny cut once it was pointed out to him.

"Is that shitty house over there yours?"

"My house isn't shitty, breasts!"

"My name is Aura."

"I wasn't talking to your brain, I was staring at your breasts!"

"In a normal universe, I would be suspicious of a sexually-motivated man who came across me only days after I was attacked by other people like that, and in fact I would have already dug an underground and well-defended base that was rigged to drop invaders into lava. Fortunately, the plot warps around you, sucking all logic into its staring abyss. So, let's be romantically involved!"

"Since the author doesn't care enough to make any unrelated characters, that means the same idiots keep showing up to fill multiple roles under the guise of an "interconnected plot". I think I know who your attackers were."

"You must be right! I haven't described them to you, but I'm sure your hunch is spot-on."

"Okay, let's dig an underground base and talk awkwardly about true wub."

"Fuck no, that would involve being 50% competent! Let's waste valuable minerals on a random stream."

Reye's mind was abuzz with possibilities. His sex drive was finally working properly, and he had stumbled upon a pair of talking breasts. His legs were burning with sheer agony after walking for a day after they had been broken at least three times, but safety could wait. He had breasts to attend to!

"How can I impress the breasts?" thought Reye. "I know! I'll pave this stream with SOLID FUCKING GOLD."

Reye paved the stream with solid gold. "Amazing! Let's go swim and talk about sex." said Aura.

Suddenly, Asshole returned. He jumped at Reye's chest, smelling the delicious ham sealed within.

"FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!" screamed Reye, as Asshole bit his torso. Just as he was about to smash Asshole's head in half, Aura began to giggle.

Reye knew that if the breasts were giggling, it meant she thought that Asshole was cute. And killing Asshole brutally would probably make the breasts reject him forever.

"You win this time, Asshole." said Reye, as Asshole clawed open his chest and grabbed the bloody, rotten ham. Surprisingly, Aura kept giggling, as if Reye's internal organs were adorable.

"Okay, let's go swimming!" said Reye, as his intestines flopped out of his chest in one horrifying movement. "Fuck, this won't take but a moment, milady... wait, what the hell am I saying?" said Reye, as he piled his intestines back inside his chest. "Ow fuckfuckfuckfuck", he screamed, as he sewed his chest shut with his crude needle-and-thread. "There, good as new!" said Reye, as blood cascaded out of his left eye socket.

Aura was still giggling. It was getting on Reye's nerves even more than the needle and thread had.

Reye and Aura both splashed around in the pond, inhaling multiple water-borne diseases. Rays of sunlight shone down on the algae-clouded water. Suddenly, Reye lunged towards Aura, screaming "I'M GOING TO LOVE YOU, AURA". Their lips met...

"Reye, do you ever brush your teeth?" asked Aura. "Because your mouth tastes so much like ass I'm surprised it hasn't grown a rectum."

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I needed to include a really terrible insult at the end, didn't I. Well, he _did_ just spend days camping… anyway, enter Mrs. Poorly Written Love Interest. Oh, she gets her character moments in the next chapter, so don't worry. And the "attacked her with a sword!" bit was one of the most idiotic bits of the original (you've already put two and two together, right? In this universe, that adds up to five). And yes, that was kind of gory near the end. Sorry. But now you can rest assured that the only likeable character so far ate well that night.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Reye Visits A Structurally Unstable City, Gains Lots Of Acceptance, Doesn't Eat A Spooncake, And Has No Sex Whatsoever**

Reye, Aura and Asshole were in their camp after an unimportant number of days. Reye smelled delicious fumes coming from the other room of his shitty house.

"My house _ISN'T SHITTY_, narrator!" screamed Reye.

"Hello, Reye. This is a shitty house, but I made you breakfast. This would have been pancakes, but instead of a frying pan I used a spoon because who the hell carries a frying pan around with them on a quest?" said Aura.

"So these are spooncakes? Oh fuck, I dropped mine."

Asshole subsequently ate Reye's spooncake, scarfing it down in one bite.

"Oops, I'm out of batter! Looks like that was the last one! Was it delicious?" said Aura.

Reye fought back tears. One day he would triumph over Asshole. One day...

The shitty house was abandoned, their stuff was packed up, and they began walking. Eventually, they saw a tower and a couple of roofs poking out of the ground in a buggy swamp.

SWAMPLAND CITY

"Help!" screamed a man on the tower. "Some idiot decided it would be a good idea to build a city on top of a fucking swamp, and the damn thing sank! I'm the only survivor, because I was the only one smart enough to not sleep in their basement every night!"

"You built a city in a swamp? That's retarded!" yelled Reye.

"At least it wasn't shitty like your house!" retorted the man.

"FUCK YOU AND YOUR ARROGANT ARCHITECTURE" sobbed Reye. Today was like everything he knew and loved had come crashing down around him.

"Anyway, can you help me out? We used to hunt mobs and sell their drops to work our economy, but now that our economy is sunk in the swamp along with the town..."

"I've sliced a man in half with my sword, but hunting mobs is an evil and despicable thing to do! How dare you even THINK of trying to use self-defense against the clearly harmless arrow-shooting skeletons and poisonous spiders?" screamed Reye. He was enjoying himself now that he had something stupid to scream about.

"YOU'VE COMMITTED MURDER AND YOU'RE YELLING AT ME FOR SURVIVING? YOUR MORAL HIGH GROUND IS ABOUT AS HIGH AS MY BASEMENT IS RIGHT NOW!" said the man. "AND MY BASEMENT IS AT THE BOTTOM OF A FUCKING SWAMP!"

"Come, Aura." said Reye. "Let us leave this important and rich man to die at the top of his tower, because I'm a fucking hypocrite douchebag. In fact, let's build a base right over there, so we can watch him starve."

"I packed a fishing rod, five years' worth of porkchops, ten years' worth of bottled water, a water filtration system and an automatic dispenser defence apparatus in here. I don't think you'll get much satisfaction, especially since I can just walk right out of this tower... I just needed help moving my emergency collapsible three-storey mansion out of here." said the clearly genre-savvy man.

"Fuck you and your logic! With smarmy self-righteousness and a walking pair of breasts on my side, I'll conquer anything!" retorted Reye.

SWAMP

Reye walked away, bringing with him Aura and Asshole. Soon he would build a base, a base to triumph over all other bases in the entire world.

"Hey, remember that 1.2 million-block spaceship that guy made and it was featured on that Top 5 of Minecraft video series? Will the base be better than that?" said Aura.

"YES." said Reye. "IT WILL CONDENSE THE AWESOMENESS INTO SOMETHING DENSE WITH AWESOMENESS AND IT WILL! NOT! BE! SHITTY!"

"Wait, you know where to build it? But you've never been here before, or you would have known about that swamp city!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP RUINING THE STORY, BREASTS" said Reye.

FIVE DAYS LATER

Reye's masterpiece stood before him. His old non-shitty house had had 3 rooms... this one, improved in every way, had FOUR rooms. And a CLOSET! "Let's see every character I've met in this shitty book call THIS house shitty!" thought Reye. "IT HAS A FUCKING CLOSET, IT'S A MASTERPIECE!"

Meanwhile, Aura and Asshole were working in the fields, making a farm to provide the fort with food.

"Now that I'm here, I realize Reye's presence is actually making me stupider. It makes me agree with him... it makes me go along with his retarded decisions... Asshole, I don't think Reye is sexually attractive at all, and he's a huge douchebag. But the plot is forcing me to have a relationship with him, and if I'm really unlucky I'll have a horrible contrived almost-sex scene with him! What should I do?" said Aura.

"Growl grrowl bark!" replied Asshole.

"What was that, Asshole? Kill them all? GOOD IDEA!" said Aura. "Oh, wait. He respawns and the plot would protect him at all times. How can I kill a man who's the designated protagonist? Wait... the plot weakens considerably during sex scenes, in order to smuggle in the horrible description and idiotic circumstances..."

The farm was almost complete. Already, the first sprouts were breaking out of the ground, and the sun provided them with a favorable amount of light.

But the sun was setting. Aura knew that harmless arrow-shooting skeletons and harmless brain-eating zombies would soon begin to appear, so she went inside. Her intelligence was beginning to ebb, and she felt herself agreeing with Reye's every opinion. But the feeling of cold steel on her thigh kept her alert and ready.

She would make Reye have sex in his new shitty house. She would pretend to unfasten the clasps on her dress. And she would pull out her knife and stab him to death before the plot could strengthen. Afterwards, she would go and get that man in the swamp tower (someone who wasn't an idiot, finally!), get his help to set up traps all around the estate, and live a long and happy life with the swamp tower man as her husband.

She changed into her special mostly-not-there dress, and called Reye's name.

"Oh, Reye! It sure is lonely around here! I know, let's have sex!"

Reye's brain immediately revved up, stalled, and made putting noises before taking off at a reasonable speed. She had asked for sex! That meant having sex! Hooray!

Reye ran into the shitty bedroom, and saw Aura wearing a few pieces of cloth in strategic locations. He grabbed his belt buckle -

Aura suddenly realized that killing Reye would make every creeper her enemy. Those green idiots seemed to like him, for whatever reason. She needed time to set up an alibi. When Reye died, it would look like an accident. She stopped her brilliant plan in action -

"Oh, wait. Since Christianity exists in this block-based video game, we have to be married first! Almost forgot about that."

Reye's face fell... at terminal velocity. He had been running on pure hormones for the last thirty seconds, and cutting off the supply left him completely drained. He passed out immediately.

Aura felt the horrible influence of the plot begin to thicken. One day she would be free of it. One day...

AUTHOR'S NOTE: All right, finally got around to uploading this. Also, there was an original ending to this (Aura's desire to kill Reye), but it wasn't funny so I removed it. Unfortunately, Aura now never gets around to really doing anything, but we can blame this on the plot.


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Reye Proposes With Poor Accuracy

Reye woke up. There was an odd pain in his groin.

"You kept creeping towards me in your sleep, so I had to repeatedly kick you in the testicles to keep you away." said Aura.

The pain in Reye's privates was replaced by a pain in his soul.

"Oh, fuck. We have to get married, but Christianity hasn't been invented yet."

"Oh, that is a problem! Darn."

Reye was unaccustomed to sleeping in a warm room, and his sweat has stuck him to his mattress. He got up, ripping off his negligible back hair.

"AAAAARRGHHH EVERYTHING HATES ME" he screamed.

REYE'S YARD

Then it was time for his morning routine. He replaced his tattered blue shirt for a differently tattered blue shirt, ate raw pork for breakfast (the furnace broke when he tripped over it), obsessively hunted for monsters and then went to the greenhouse. He hadn't seen Aura for a bit, but then he saw a blurry shape in the greenhouse. Reye knew that to marry, you have to propose. And he was going to do it. His heart rate increased... he opened the door...

"I WANT TO HAVE SEX! MARRY ME!" he screamed.

In the greenhouse was the creeper elder who had led the effort to take over his shitty house.

They stared at each other for a bit.

The creeper elder was the first to break the silence.

"So... um... uh... I heard... you... wanted... to... get... married...?"

"Ye...s... that... would... be... great..."

"All... right. You can... come... to... Creeptopolis."

"Weddings... take... careful... preparations. Let's... have... it... tomorrow."

"Fantastic... idea!"

Reye set to work, sewing a black suit of spider silk. Unfortunately, he ran out of spider silk after the first square inch of fabric was woven, and one of the trap threads had gotten in and stuck it all to hell, and Reye didn't even know how to use a loom.

He held the tiny, warped square up to the lit window.

"It needs some work, but it'll do." said Reye.

He tried to put it down, but it stuck to his fingers.

He waved his hand a bit. It didn't come off.

"OH FUCK IT ALL" screamed Reye, stabbing wildly at the tiny bit of fabric with his sword. He managed to slice off his left pinky which it was stuck to.

A FEW HOURS LATER

"Oh Reye, what the hell were you thinking?" said Aura, as she sewed a sausage link onto Reye's finger stub.

"This sausage is as big as my hand."

"Shut the hell up, you cut off your own finger and now you must pay the price of being fucking retarded."

Reye went back to weaving, this time opting for a material that was actually practical to work with: wool. Unfortunately, this soon also run out, since Reye operated on Retarded Veganism. This made him unable to harm an animal at all, even to shear a sheep. He was forced to collect bits of wool from thorny bushes where it had caught.

He was also a hypocrite every time he ate a porkchop (which was always), but food should always come before morals.

Reye was left with a horrible, mangled not-as-tiny square of fabric. He started to regret not having anything else nice to wear.

CREEPTOPOLIS

It had been a long journey to Creeptopolis. Although it had taken about two weeks to get from Creeptopolis to the base, getting back when the plot demanded it only took about five minutes. Comprehending the physics behind this is very simple: fuck this book.

Reye walked up to Creeptopolis, with Aura in tow. She was wearing He was wearing his misshapen square of fabric, covering his groin and nothing else. Creeptopolis was currently going through a rainy spring, and Reye was absolutely soaked.

"F-f-f-fuuuuuu..." sputtered Reye, as rain filled his mouth. The wind threatened to blow away his fabric square, but it was securely tied on. The tight knot was another reason he could hardly talk.

They arrived in Creeptopolis. Some creepers had half-heartedly kicked around a bit of rice, but it was waterlogged and squelched underfoot. The poorly-made decorations were sagging, because some idiot had stuck them up with creeper spit, which was only marginally stickier than normal spit.

The creeper elder didn't really have a Bible on hand, since, you know, Minecraft. What he did have was an illustrated book for creeper children.

"With the power vested in me by the..."

He flipped through the pages, looking for something.

"...and the zombie goes 'uurgh'!"

He kept flipping.

"I bind these two..."

The book's cover fell onto the desk, and the worn binding opened to the middle page: "the Slimes go 'flap flap flap'"

"these two slimes, to make flapping noises for all eternity..."

Reye immediately screamed "I DO!". The echo caught in Aura's mouth, hardly diminishing in volume.

A high-ranking skeleton presented them with their wedding rings. These rings were made of the waste metal of the creeper industries, horrifying lumps made of mostly lead and a bit of cadmium.

Aura jammed it on Reye's sausage finger, which immediately burst. As bits of questionable foodstuff rained down, the entire congregation of creepers broke out in a celebratory rustling.

Reye was now married. He could pass on his genes without ethical qualms.

The world wept.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Damn creepers. Always getting in the way. And part of me really wants to finish that children's book. Keep an eye out for that.


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: Reye Ruins Everything Through Sexual Intercourse

Note/Warning: This chapter has got a sex scene. There is absolutely no graphic imagery or actual intercourse, but it is still a sex scene, somehow.

The creepers had made Reye a celebratory feast. His Retarded Veganism was once again forgotten as he ate a horrifying amount. Part of him was just hungry, but another part remembered the creepers' desecration of his old house, and it was determined to bankrupt them by eating as much as possible.

The creepers also wanted to spite Reye, since he had abandoned them for no reason. His meal was made of rotten flesh, donated by the city's many zombie amputees, injured in the line of duty. The zombies later reported "The arms were useless anyway, uh. It did my, uh, decomposed heart good to see him, uh, suffer greatly."

As a result, Reye kept getting hungrier as he ate. And he also kept throwing up. The diseases he had accumulated from the forest spring were probably also a factor. Regardless, he kept eating, even though he was in horrible agony from the food poisoning.

Reye finally said to Aura, "Aura, let's go have se-". His sentence was interrupted by more vomiting, most of which landed on Aura's dress.

REYE'S NEW SHITTY HOUSE

After copious apologies and a lot of mopping, they were off. Unfortunately for Reye, bad sex scenes were only allowed after dark, and the sun was still triumphantly above the horizon. Reye tried showing the sun who's boss by shooting arrows at it, but only succeeded in killing one of the feral western cows. Reye ran inside, seeing Aura on the couch.

"If we turn off all the lights, we can pretend like it's night." said Aura. Her voice was probably supposed to have a seductive twang to it, but it instead sounded like she was gargling rocks. She was in her extremely revealing dress again.

"Reye, I'm very happy. I'm extremely happy. It's been a long time since I've felt this happy. I mean, I'm just so happy! It's great to be happy. You should be as happy as I am, because I'm happy. Anyway, so it's almost been a month since we met each other! You're totally fine with having a kid, right?"

Reye replied, "Of course! We've known each other long enough."

DISCLAIMER: Aura's age is never given. If she is below the age of consent, please do not emulate Reye's behaviour in this scene. Actually, don't emulate Reye's behaviour _ever_.

Reye took off his clothes, which was easy, since he was only wearing the little fabric square. The bits it had been tied to began to lose their blue tinge.

They both slipped under the covers. Unfortunately, the author doesn't really know what sex is, so it's been replaced by Minecraft sex. Baby mobs can only spawn on uterus blocks, and five minutes later, Aura was inexplicably pregnant.

In the great scheme of things, someone forgot to carry the one. Or maybe the author is retarded. Regardless, Aura gave birth to a completely healthy baby boy... three months later. In a different universe, this would be called a miscarriage, and the baby wouldn't really exist yet, and it would be a source of sadness for all. Luckily, Minecraft is the best excuse to suspend all basic laws of biology.

Reye and Aura stared at the baby. It cried, but its heart wasn't really in it.

"Let's name him... ... Let's name him Skye!"

"That's a great idea!" said Reye. "I was going to name him after a line that is only bounded on one end, but then I realized that was already taken."

"I was going to name him after an intangible radiation surrounding an object that's used in generic fantasy novels, but that was already taken, too."

"And then I was going to name him 'Reyeaura', but that was stupid."

"Dammit, why is my name always last?"

"Because you're a boring character!"

Suddenly, a door slammed open, and Rick appeared at the door.

"HOLY FUCK! RICK!" screamed Reye, as him and Aura tried to hide behind each other, rotating with nervousness.

"Ahahaha! You thought I was dead after you cut off my head and the creepers burned my corpse! LUCKILY, I RESPAWNED, AND KNEW EXACTLY WHERE TO FIND YOU!"

THE SWAMP

The swamp man looked through his diary.

Minemonth 158, day 16: told crazy man where to find those two vegan idiots. hope he kills them or something. holy shit, they're annoying. on an unrelated note, I've begun to stockpile sticky pistons.  
>Minemonth 158, day 17: added dispenser trap #496 to the catacombs. removed griefer-looking corpse from Entrance 6D. collected six hundred bones and arrows from skeleton dungeon trap.<p>

The swamp man closed it again as a redstone torch lit, sounding a buzzer. The pitch of the buzzer denoted a neutralized intruder in Corridor 35. He sighed. It was a hard life, automating everything in his kilometers of tunnels.

REYE'S CASTLE

"How did you know where we were?" said Reye.

"It's simple! I just know everything." said Rick.

At that moment, Skye waddled out from his bedroom. Aura took advantage of this moment to run into the kitchen, where she fetched the biggest knife she could find.

"I MADE A POOPY, DADDY!" he wailed.

"AAARGH YOU ANNOYING TINY FUCKER" screamed Reye.

"Fucker! Fucker!" repeated Skye.

"Heh heh heh." said Rick. "Since you seem to have distanced yourself from the creepers and I have already lost a duel to you, I've decided to try to kill you again. And your family, because I'm evil now. And I wouldn't say no to killing any distant relations, while I'm at it. Oh, and as a side note, the reason you haven't seen any creepers lately is because I killed them all."

"How? It's hard enough to kill one creeper at short range! There's no way in hell one dubiously armed man could kill thousands of them!" said Reye.

"Um, er, that's because I got this magic sword from a traveling merchant. He kept winking at me whenever he said 'magic sword', and told me to smuggle it across the border. I think he was gay." replied Rick, as his pants fell down from lack of plot tension.

The truth was that the sword was molded from solid LSD, and Rick had simply been fooled by thousands of unmoving cardboard creeper cut-outs like the blind idiot he was. The tip of his sword crumbled as he spoke.

"NOW WE WILL FIGHT, AND I WILL WIN BECAUSE THAT IS THE PRECEDENT WE HAVE PREVIOUSLY SET!" screamed Rick.

Rick suddenly ran behind Reye as he worked out what "precedent" meant. He thrust the sword at his heart-

The cocaine sword crumbled to druggy dust, as Rick (not expecting the sudden lack of sword) tripped on Skye and hit his head on the hard cobblestone wall. He moaned a bit before finishing his fall, cracking his jaw on the equally hard smoothstone floor.

Aura ran into the room screaming "AAAARRGH YOU KILLED REYE BUT I WILL AVENGE HIM!", haphazardly waving the knife.

"Oh! Reye, you weren't killed instantly! And Rick... is on the floor... moaning... with his pants off... REYE, ARE YOU SECRETLY RICK'S GAY LOVER?"

"Nonononono! No homo! I think he has a concussion!"

"Reye, people never die from concussions in fictional works. You were having gay sex, weren't you!"

Rick's brain, floating in a pool of its own blood, stopped working. Although this wouldn't have made a difference compared to his typical behaviour, it did have the side effect of killing him. Luckily, before he died, he got to hear Aura say "-and then the tube, they put a HAMSTER in the tube, and-".

After ten minutes of Aura going over all the horrible things she had heard that gay people did, Reye decided to check for Rick's pulse to relieve the boredom. It wasn't there.

"Aura, he died. It was the wall."

"NO, IT WAS YOUR UNGODLY LUST!"

"No, I'm pretty sure it was the wall. Let's go throw his dead body in a pit so that it'll stop staring at me - AH FUCK I THINK THE EYEBALL MOVED"

Rick's now-decomposing intestines emitted a short gurgle.

Reye and Aura both screamed while peeing themselves until they calmed down half an hour later.

ONE DAY LATER

"I think it's a nice grave. Although we should have blessed it with holy water to prevent vengeful spirit activity."

"Aura, ghosts don't exist. Duh. Minecraft doesn't even HAVE any vengeful spi-"

"There are Ghasts, they look pretty dead. And vengeful."

"Noooo, you can't mention things I haven't experienced yet!"

"Sex."

"I just told you-"

While they argued, Asshole dug. This was the most wonderful thing to happen to him since he ate Reye's spooncake. He gnawed off one of Rick's limp arms, then trotted off to put it under Reye's covers.

THAT NIGHT

Reye walked into the shitty bedroom, blissfully unaware of the horror that was soon to unfold. "Aura, can you make the bed toni-"

After an hour, Aura walked in to find Reye unconscious on top of one of Rick's arms, bloody and limp.

"I KNEW IT, YOU SINFUL PERVERT!"

THE NEXT MORNING

Skye could repeat some sounds in a vague language-like manner, and he could also toddle forwards if he really tried. Reye decided that this indicated the intelligence and ability for Skye to fish and hunt. They walked outside, with a determined expression on Reye's face. In his hand was a fishing rod and a stick with string tied around it.

"Fucker! Daddy!" squealed Skye, as spit dribbled down his sticky face. He repeated these two words all the way to the nearby lake.

Reye baited the hook and cast his line. Skye tried to eat his string, but soon learned how to hold the end of the string and swing around the stick.

Glimmering shadows of fish passed silently below the surface, ignoring Reye's hook. Skye, meanwhile, had killed at least five fish by hitting them with the stick, and was currently battering a hapless squid to death.

"Fucker! Squid!" giggled Skye, as the squid realized that Skye would never stop hitting it until it stopped moving, and promptly died. "Silence your inexpert speaking!" said Reye. "You're scaring away the fish!"

UNDERWATER

"What a noob. Let's stick this rock on his hook." said a blue minnow.

"All right." replied a sizable salmon.

A small group of fish immediately started lifting a rock with a hookable porous surface. It was soon entangled hopelessly in the twine and hook, so the fish let go and let physics do the rest.

LAKESHORE

"Ha! I knew it! Skye, learn from the master of fishing. I've got a bite!" said Reye.

Skye was busy bludgeoning his fifteenth fish to death with a rock, and didn't notice until it was too late.

"Yes! Now to start reeling it iiaaaAAAAAHHHSPLUNK" said Reye, as he was interrupted by the boulder dragging him down to the lake bottom and the subsequent amount of water. He would have let go of the rod, but real winners never give up!

Under Reye was a boulder, some suspiciously happy fish, and a cave. He had no choice, but decided to go in the cave anyway. The boulder sank deeper and deeper...

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Long chapter. And some sex jokes. I tried to make them at least slightly tasteful, though. Rick was even more fun to write as a moustache-twirlingly evil villain, and I'm trying to turn Skye into a sorta-competent sidekick instead of the incredibly boring filler-baby he is in the original. Also, underwater adventures! No, it is never explained how Reye breathed through his (completely submerged) underwater adventure in the original. In this one, well… er, you'll just have to wait for Chapter 11, won't you… or click the "next" button if you're reading this after I updated everything…


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: Reye Goes In And Out Of A Hell Dimension With Astonishing Rapidity

Reye opened his eyes. His lungs felt full.

Suddenly, something exerted pressure on his chest, and water blew out of his mouth and nose. It kept squeezing until the water stopped and the vomit started.

Reye was used to waking up in weird places covered in his own watery vomit, but this was probably the weirdest place yet. Around him were blueish rock walls, glistening with damp and mold. Worn-looking pillars supported the ceiling of the cavern he was in. It was a high ceiling, strewn with ropes and hanging objects. Strange words and diagrams cut in the walls glowed, packed tight with a yellowish dust.

The weight lifted off his chest. Reye moaned. It felt like his organs were turned inside out. Fortunately, the little diamond he had turned into a pendant was safe and secure, so nothing would harm him -

He stared into the blank eye socket of a creeper. The other one was covered up by an eye-patch. If a blank eye-socket was normal for a creeper, Reye shuddered to think about a disfigurement that a creeper would need an eye-patch for.

"Aarrrgh, he's awake! Cast off those lines and haul in the gateway frame!" yelled the creeper. In the ceiling far above, a few lines twanged off their hooks, and a black shape descended from the heights.

"Avast, landlubber! Ye've found yerself in a rough spot, AND IT'S GONNA GET ROUGHER IF YOU DON'T DO WHAT I SAY!" screamed the eye-patch creeper. "I'm the captain o' this fine vessel, the _Cavebound Creepcrawler_. Ye may have noticed that the daft thing's stuck under a lake in a cave. Well, this network o' tunnels leads to anywhere yeh can imagine. No, belay that: it also leads to some places you don't want to imagine. We make a mighty fine livin' raidin' the settlements above, and this is only one of our fine ships. So, don't go thinkin' that this is a pathetic chunk o' crap, because we'll have ye out on your ass through the gate o' the devil in no time at all."

LAKESHORE

Skye was still preoccupied on the surface. Senselessly hitting fish had lost its fun after a while, and he had started digging ponds and canals in the soft sand around the lake. Curious minnows were already swimming in, and Skye was now waiting for there to be lots of fish so he could throw rocks in the pond and watch them swim away. Suddenly, the sun-drying mound of slimy corpses behind him slipped a bit, sending a half-dead squid careening into the blue depths.

CAVEBOUND CREEPER

The squid twitched a bit, gasping for breath in the water. It was too battered to move, and settled for a slow falling death. It sank into a little abyss, fell into an underwater cave, was propelled by currents through grottoes before it finally got sucked through a little hole in the wall, landing on the captain of the Cavebound Creeper with a wet splatch.

"AAARRRRRGHH! I TRUSTED YE, BUT YER LANDLUBBIN' VOODOO IS CALLIN' DOWN CEPHALOPODS LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW! READY THE PORTAGATEWAY O' DOOM!" sputtered the piratical creeper.

A doo-ragged skeleton flicked a meaty-looking lighter, and set the dark frame alight. Reye couldn't looked away as the fire started spiraling as if blown by an invisible wind, its shape contorting within the obsidian boundary, growing a rich purple colour...

The captain clicked his tongue. An Enderman wearing a black felt hat and sporting, against all odds, a rich red beard plucked the sopping squid off the creeper. He leaned back, and using all the leverage his long arms granted him, he thwacked Reye's ass into another dimension with the squid.

NETHER

Reye's ass hurt. He was bruised, but had been fully awake through the portal trip, and had gotten to experience the feeling of his soul separating from his body, his body being cut into chunks and the entire thing being badly re-assembled in another dimension.

He was used to being woken up by a plot device and was quite worried now that he was fully awake without a sympathetic/evil character in sight. The ground gently squelched below him.

Reye inspected the portal he had come through, but the purple fire had gone out and he had no lighter.

"I'm somewhere and I have no idea where. Well, at least I'm used to this by now. I'll walk around a bit and look for something to yell at for killing mobs." thought Reye. He was in luck - a pig-man awaited him at the end of a narrow, meaty corridor.

This pig-man had had a tough life. Sections of its flesh were burnt clean off, revealing the skull beneath, slick with moss. Its snout seemed a bit crooked. And its eyes burnt with ambition, its gaze alternating between its magnificently crafted golden sword and Reye's soggy face.

Wherever Reye was, it seemed to have lots of fire. Lava poured into the distance at the end of the corridor. The meat-ground seemed to burn very well, and several fires were lit. The wreckage of some crates littered the ground around the portal, but nothing Reye could use to escape was inside. And all around him was the scent of bacon. Many, many pig-men had died from the searing lava coursing throughout the realm, and their vaporized cells gave the impression of delicious bacon, sizzling in the pan. The meat-ground also faintly smelled of bacon. Reye didn't want to know why the meat-ground and pig-men smelled the same, and suspected the answer would keep him awake for weeks if he was to hear it. Either way, the air practically crackled with bacon energy. Reye could almost eat the air. Eat the bacon, the delicious bacon air thing... bacon... THUNK

Reye's mouth had somehow found its way onto the pig-man's head, when his brain realized that he was trying to eat a pig-man during a bacon-induced hallucination. He unclamped his jaw. The pigman stared at him with a wounded expression. It then swung its gold sword without missing a beat, driving the edge into Reye's arm. Reye screamed in agony, while getting out his own sword and waving it wildly. He somehow stabbed it into the pig-man's head, and it slowly spun into the ground as it died.

Reye inspected the ground thoroughly, and saw what he hadn't noticed before - thousands of tiny pig-man faces, screaming in agony without making any sound. Reye threw up.

After he was done throwing up and screaming, he decided to look for a way out. The corridor led to a huge expanse overlooking a sea of boiling lava. Small roving groups of pig-men aimlessly wandered about, and seeing them made Reye gibber a bit before choking back the bile. And dead ahead of him was a flying pure white jellyfish. Now, Reye had seen a city built on a swamp, sunk from its own incompetence. Reye had seen a man become an idiotic mass-murderer after only six hours in his presence. Reye had seen his wife give birth only three months after conception. But Reye hadn't seen a floating jellyfish before, its tiny wings beating furiously.

"FLOATING JELLYFISH! I AM REYE, MASTER OF BAD DECISIONS! I'M GETTING YOUR ATTENTION SO WE CAN GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER!" screamed Reye.

The jellyfish opened its blood-red eyes and stared at Reye. He was a traumatized mess, even worse than usual. It stared for a bit, as if appraising him.

More jellyfish wafted in. They burbled and giggled at each other in a bizarre language. Then they all pointed at Reye, who was blankly staring at the mob.

POW POW POW POW

Reye had only seconds to react before a dozen fireballs hit the ground below him, spewing flames and bacon-bits everywhere. He was blown backwards into the blank obsidian frame, as the jellyfish prepared for another barrage. Reye couldn't move his arms, probably because they were on fire. Fire...

His blazing shirt-sleeves slowly warped into a spiraling mess, growing more purple with every turn. Reye screamed as his chest hair set on fire.

The portal was back at full strength, and Reye was blown to bloody chunks before the fireballs could hit him. Of course, the silent deities of Minecraftia would ensure his safe arrival on the other side of the portal, but they had yet to find a more satisfying way of destroying a mortal's body in order to get the soul through dimensions.

MINECRAFTIA TELEPORTATION OFFICES

Thousands of gods sat at their cubicles, and the noise of coffee being sipped was overwhelming. Typing could be heard, and the soft slipping of paper being moved. This was productivity - nothing seemed to be accomplished here, and yet they got paid. Suddenly, a light went on at about four desks. The Nether Portal Force ran to a little glass chamber full of supercomputers and complex written equations.

"We have a return trip doing a Nether-E velocity through the portal tubes! Get the drag co-efficients crunched and intercept his soul!"

"What... you think it's easy working out where a little pile of fluff will be in the entire universe? I don't get paid enough for this shit!"

"Ah... I'm receiving a positive signal from Universal Triangulation Stations G77 and K94!"

"Q25 - We've got three stations locked! Prepare delivery!"

A button was pressed, and Reye's soul found itself in an office, in a jar, surrounded by fluorescent lighting. An ocean of brown laid above him...

"OH SHIT! I SPILLED COFFEE ON THE SOUL! COME QUICKLY!"

The engineer-gods looked at Reye's soul.

"This one isn't too good anyway. I can't say replacing its quasi-plasmic membrane with coffee wouldn't be an improvement."

Amid cursing and shouting, Reye's now coffee-soaked soul was loaded into a tube, and was soon shooped off to a distant portal.

PLAIN OF ?

Reye awoke in a meadow. He had no idea where he was. It was a hot day, and he soon began to sweat... but the sweat was coffee.

A creeper burst out of the underbrush, lured by the scent of coffee. "Aargh, a random creeper! Don't make me use this!" screamed Reye, pointing his diamond at the creeper.

"I just wanted some coffee..." said the creeper. It returned to the underbrush, sulking.

After about three hours of walking, Reye found his house. It wasn't difficult, seeing as in the distance was a huge heap of something. It turned out that the heap was at the nearby lake, and it was made of fish, and at the top sat Skye, fast asleep.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Awww. So this chapter in the original was TERRIBLE. It wasn't as bad as the space ones (urgh), but it was possibly the stupidest one as far as logic goes. He dives into a random underwater cave without any gear (no way this can go wrong), fails to politely greet an unknown creeper tribe (the book gives them no characterization whatsoever, though), decides that he should test if a pigman is neutral by KILLING IT, and tries to escape by DIGGING. AAAAAARRRGHHH


End file.
